State of planet drives away aliens

Tyler Bar-Ness

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The world is abuzz over the first contact made with alien life from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.

People of the world were shocked by the news that humanity is considered too troublesome to join the interstellar community.

“Your nations are divided, your leaders are in gridlock, and your programs to leave your homeworld’s atmosphere have stalled,” said Vhluuhgotha, ambassador and vice president of the Uplifting Evaluation Committee, whose name has been shortened for convenience and inclusion of sounds that the human mouth cannot pronounce. “As far as the Galactic Senate has seen, sharing our technology with your people would prove catastrophic.”

Scientists have estimated that the exchange of technology, particularly the faster-than-light engines that allowed these foreign life forms to discover our planet, would propel human progress into the stars.

“The chance to visit our sister planets, and the chance to exchange ideas with species able to travel between stars has been lost to us,” said Dr. Sigmund Brandon, chairman of the recently-founded Committee for Interstellar Relations.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Malcom Dalton, another committee member. “These aliens have in their power the ability to solve world hunger, cure diseases that have plagued mankind, and they want to deny us representation in the Galactic Senate because we’re divided?”

Not all experts are offended by this blatant statement of mistrust from our fellow creatures.

“As we are now, we cannot be trusted with that kind of power,” said Lydia Goddard, sociology professor at Howard Phillips University. “History has shown that when people are given technology and exposed to cultures they are not ready to experience, disaster has followed.”

Goddard has spent several years abroad studying the origins of civilization in the Middle East, researching claims of previous visits by aliens. She is one of the many academics who believe the Galactic Senate is correct in their assessment of humanity.

“The Galactic Senate has every right to deny us. We are still fighting wars of imperial aggression, there are people killing each other over religious beliefs. Nobody can say we are truly ready for what Ambassador Vhluuhgotha and his kin could give us.”

The alien ship was first identified outside the United Nations Headquarters in New York City hovering in place.

“Our computers analyzed your transmissions and data, and identified your ‘United Nations’ as the closest resemblance of a planetary government,” Vhluuhgotha said. “So we made ourselves known there.”

The ship appeared above New York City with little warning beyond a garbled transmission over several radio stations. Due to New York City’s prohibited airspace, there was a tense stand-off between the then-unidentified ship and United States Air Force fighters before the visitor’s intentions became clear.

An emergency general assembly meeting was called to session before Ambassador Vhluuhgotha appeared before the assembly. Vhluuhgotha entertained questions from the assembly for several hours with his speech translated through a series of intricate computers.

As the questions came to an end, Vhluuhgotha informed the general assembly that while humanity as a whole shows some promise as potential members of the greater galactic community, “With your current state of affairs in mind, that future could be far off.”

Just kidding…April Fool’s!