{"id":10470,"date":"2015-11-17T07:50:31","date_gmt":"2015-11-17T15:50:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/?p=10470"},"modified":"2015-11-18T07:55:51","modified_gmt":"2015-11-18T15:55:51","slug":"when-you-just-dont-fit-and-dont-know-why","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/10470\/lifestyle\/when-you-just-dont-fit-and-dont-know-why\/","title":{"rendered":"When you just don\u2019t fit and don\u2019t know why"},"content":{"rendered":"

Gender identity self-awareness<\/strong><\/p>\n

College is a journey of learning, not only academic learning but also one of self-discovery. We are deciding what we really want to do when we grow up; picking majors and building educational plans. We are all just here trying to figure things out.<\/p>\n

Who am I? What am I good at? What do I want to be?<\/p>\n

All my life, there have been few constants. I have never fit in, I have always been awkward and I have always suffered from depression.<\/p>\n

I was not all that into \u201cgirl\u201d things, even though I did some. Toys for boys such as Transformers were cooler than dolls. I would choose comic books like X-Men over Teen Vogue. I could tell you more about Hal Jordan than Britney Spears.<\/p>\n

In 1994, I was accused of being a butch lesbian, which was a horrifying insult for a preteen girl in the 90s.<\/p>\n

I took steps to present as female. I did my nails and tried makeup. I started to hate my body, my looks and relied on self-deprecating humor to cope.<\/p>\n

I did not fit, so I assumed that I was just a late bloomer, an ugly duckling. I figured I would eventually bloom into a confident woman.<\/p>\n

Flash forward fifteen years, I am going to college for the first time. I am still awkward and I still hate my body even though I have a bigger chest and curves.<\/p>\n

My depression is now severe and mutated into anxiety and social anxiety. Even in my thirties, I still feel like an awkward ugly duck, though people try to tell me otherwise.<\/p>\n

Why do I still not fit? Will I ever fit? Will I always be strange? Be different?<\/p>\n

About two years ago, I peered at myself in the medicine cabinet mirror after a shower. My hair slicked back, I slouched. I could not see chest at all. I seemed flat, I liked what I saw and I cried.<\/p>\n

I did not cry because I am not high school skinny and flat. I cried because I saw myself as a guy and I liked what I saw. Was I born wrong?<\/p>\n

I have a good relationship with my father so I told him I thought I might be transgender. He said I was just a feminist that was sick of the world’s crap. It made no sense to me but I shrugged the experience off and got on with life.<\/p>\n

I learned by accident that a long time gaming friend was secretly a transman. He seemed like a normal young guy in video chat.<\/p>\n

He was terrified I would reject him. I didn’t and it changed absolutely nothing about our friendship.<\/p>\n

This prompted me to really research the subject and question myself. After reading number scientific theories, therapy and a diagnosis of gender dysphoria I have accepted the idea that yes, I am transgendered.<\/p>\n

For the first time in my life, things make sense. I bought my first chest binder. It looks like a muscle shirt and feels like a big hug.<\/p>\n

Most importantly, I have stopped trying to be someone I am not.<\/p>\n

I do not pass as male and it may be years before I transition, but the binder helps me feel better. I refuse to cut my long hair because long hair does not and should not invalidate my identity.<\/p>\n

It hurts that while people see me, they do not see the real me. It hurts slightly when people who know I am trans use the wrong pronouns, though I think it is out of habit and not malicious. I know it hurts others far more.<\/p>\n

In the end I’m just being me and I simply shake off the cruel remarks I overhear from others.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Gender identity self-awareness College is a journey of learning, not only academic learning but also one of self-discovery. We are deciding what we really want to do when we grow up; picking majors and building educational plans. We are all just here trying to figure things out. Who am I? What am I good at?…<\/p>","protected":false},"author":88935,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"staff_name":[559],"class_list":["post-10470","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lifestyle","staff_name-alex-wright"],"yoast_head":"\nWhen you just don\u2019t fit and don\u2019t know why - City College Times<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A transgender student's editorial.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/10470\/lifestyle\/when-you-just-dont-fit-and-dont-know-why\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"es_ES\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"When you just don\u2019t fit and don\u2019t know why - City College Times\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A transgender student's editorial.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/10470\/lifestyle\/when-you-just-dont-fit-and-dont-know-why\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City College Times\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SJCityCollegeTimes\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-11-17T15:50:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-11-18T15:55:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@sjcctimes\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@sjcctimes\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Escrito por\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\" Alex Wright\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Tiempo de lectura\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutos\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"When you just don\u2019t fit and don\u2019t know why - City College Times","description":"A transgender student's editorial.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/10470\/lifestyle\/when-you-just-dont-fit-and-dont-know-why\/","og_locale":"es_ES","og_type":"article","og_title":"When you just don\u2019t fit and don\u2019t know why - City College Times","og_description":"A transgender student's editorial.","og_url":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/10470\/lifestyle\/when-you-just-dont-fit-and-dont-know-why\/","og_site_name":"City College Times","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SJCityCollegeTimes","article_published_time":"2015-11-17T15:50:31+00:00","article_modified_time":"2015-11-18T15:55:51+00:00","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@sjcctimes","twitter_site":"@sjcctimes","twitter_misc":{"Escrito por":" Alex Wright","Tiempo de lectura":"3 minutos"}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10470","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/88935"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10470"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10470\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10471,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10470\/revisions\/10471"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10470"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10470"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10470"},{"taxonomy":"staff_name","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sjcctimes.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/staff_name?post=10470"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}